One Mistake, Hundreds of Regrets
by AllusionToAnIllusion
Summary: The one time she failed... Warning: This is really dark and contains character death


**Disclaimer: I do not own _Castle_ or its characters, ABC does**.

**This is my first fanfic so I'd especially appreciate some feedback. :) **

**~ AllusionToAnIllusion**

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One time, that was all it took. She should know that by now. Hell, she did know that by now, far too well in fact. She made a mistake, one wrong move. Kate Beckett had been wrong and it cost her something she didn't know she cared about until now. And now it was too late, sitting in her dark apartment curled into her couch she couldn't believe this was real. She refused to accept the truth, that he was gone. Circling her arms tightly around her knees she hugged them close to her chest, wishing that when she opened her eyes she would be hugging him instead. But that wasn't going to happen, deep down she knew that and as the tears flowed down her face she replayed the previous events in her head for what felt like the thousandth time wishing she could change them; give them a happier ending.

_She felt the cool trickle of air coming from the air-conditioning as she pulled into the parking lot of the apartment building. Fingers lingering on her keys she was reluctant to give up the blast of cold air that was caressing her face. Summer was in full force, and today it was an excruciating ninety-six degrees and not even a slight breeze. And on top of that she had to run around in a heavy Kevlar vest, what a great day this was turning out to be. Finally turning the keys and shoving them in her pocket she got out of the car and was greeted with the painfully humid air of the city. _

_And in turn her shadow exited the car too, slamming his door with enthusiasm only a child can show. He was still talking, ranting really, about something he had done in his past. One of his famous stories, filled with illegal activities and sexual innuendo. Something she didn't really care to hear about, so for the past fifteen minutes she had drowned him out and just concentrated on not pulling out her gun and shooting him. And as he rounded the car and stopped beside the trunk to stand next to her he said something that caught her attention._

"_Alright," he beamed, "let's go get the bastards!" _

"_Uh-uh Castle," she began, "I'm going to go get the bastards and you get to stay in the car." Accompanying this statement with a glare she usually reserved for suspects she hoped he would just leave it. She should have known better._

"_But Beckett," he was now whining at full force, "it's boring in the car."_

"_Would it make you feel better if I said you were guarding the car?" She asked; she was not in the mood for this right now. On top of everything else life had thrown at her it just had to shove the annoying and immature writer in her face. _

"_No," he murmured, "I'd much rather come with you. Come on Beckett, please?"_

"_I don't think so Castle, these guys are dangerous and I don't want to have to protect two people." She forcefully said as she pulled the vest on and took her gun from its holster._

"_But I have a vest!" Castle remembered as he grabbed his writer vest from its designated spot in her trunk._

"_Having a vest does not make you a cop, Castle," she asserted as Esposito and Ryan exited their car and headed for the pair. _

"_You could always train me in your cop ways," he said and she noticed the hint of mischief hidden within his clear blue eyes, "it wouldn't require too much just a lot of hands-on activities, and a lot of sparring; you and I all alone in a sweaty tangle of limbs on the floor. What do you say?" _

"_In your dreams Castle, and you can only come if you promise to stay behind me." She had seen Esposito waving at her to get a move-on and decided to just give in. God, that writer was such an annoying pest sometimes. Oh, who was she kidding; he was like that all the time. _

"_Oh you better believe that's a frequent fantasy of mine Detective, a very frequent fantasy." He whispered in her ear as he passed her on his way over to the building's doorway. Taking a deep breath to calm herself down a little she strode over to the doors and led her team in. _

_Outside the apartment door she positioned herself right in front of the door, Esposito and Ryan on either side while Castle poked his head out from behind her in excitement. It wasn't his first time doing this, but the excitement radiating off his body spoke otherwise. Silence descended upon the group as Beckett mentally counted down from ten and brushed her index finger along the trigger of her gun. As she reached one she flicked the safety off and sent Esposito the signal. The silence was flung away as Esposito kicked down the door and screams like "NYPD, gun's down!" and "Police, get your hands up!" echoed throughout the room as its occupants scrambled. _

_One suspect panicked and ran for the fire escape, picking up a gun on the way. She sped towards the window and followed him down the unsteady metal stairs at full speed but didn't notice the figure that followed her. Reaching the bottom she trapped the man between her gun and a wall. _

"_Put the gun down Liam," she soothed, "you don't want to do this." She could see the frantic look in his eyes and knew she had to calm him down fast. _

"_No," he yelled angrily, "I put this gun down and you haul me off to prison. I know how this works, and I don't like the ending." He raised the gun up higher so it was even with her head, and she lightly put her finger on the trigger of her own gun in preparation. _

"_You don't want me to add pointing a gun at an officer to your charges, do you Liam?" She said, her voice still calm and controlled._

"_Doesn't really matter, I'm still going away for life." Liam spat back at her, and she had to admit he was right. There was no chance in hell she was letting him get away with something other than a life sentence for what he did. And then he did something completely unexpected, he smirked. This kid who was staring down the barrel of a gun and was definitely going to prison was smirking? And then she saw it, his finger tighten down on the trigger and she heard the gun go off. Instinctively she dove and clamped down on the trigger with her index finger, firing a round right into his heart. _

_She stood up and went over to inspect his body, crumpled and lifeless on the other side of the alley. She hated this part of the job, the killing. She looked down at her right arm and examined the damage his bullet had done to her. Thankfully it had just grazed the skin; a couple band-aids and she would be absolutely fine. Then she heard it, a shuffling of feet coming from behind her. Esposito and Ryan would still be up in the apartment gathering up the other suspects, slowly she turned around ready to face the person who had followed her. What she hadn't expected was to find Castle lying on the ground groaning in pain, blood rushing from a wound right where his liver should be. _

_Horror and chaos filled her head as she ran over to him and knelt next to his body, hands pressing hard on the spot the blood was leaking from. _

"_Castle," she called out to him, "Castle answer me damn it!" So much blood, he couldn't afford to lose this much. She whipped out her phone with one hand while the other remained pressed hard against him and called for an ambulance. She hung up, quickly tore off his vest and lifted his shirt so she could see the gash. It was bad; he was losing far too much blood too quickly. The bullet seemed to have lodged itself in his liver and he was fading fast. She had to do something, but what?_

"_Beckett?" he weakly said between trembles and agonizing groans. He was awake, that was a good sign. _

"_Yeah Castle," she said softly as she reached up to cup his cheek with one hand, "it's me." He managed to pull the corners of his lips up into a sweet smile before the previous pained expression returned to his face. She had to keep him talking. He had to stay with her if he was going to pull through._

"_Castle, that was a pretty stupid move following me and just standing there in the open." She said in that half-serious, half-playful tone she had mastered over her time spent with him. His eyes started to close so she started to caress his cheek in hopes of gaining his attention. _

"_I had to make sure you were safe." His eyes were serious and she was taken aback. She had expected some witty retort or teasing banter, not serious concern for her safety. _

"_It's my job to make sure you're safe Castle," she answered, "not the other way around." Suddenly he was thrown into a coughing fit, it was only a few minutes before he spoke again but to her they felt like eternities. _

"_Bec-Kate," the use of her first name immediately caught her full attention, "I want you to know something. If I die here, I need you to know how I feel. Kate, I love you." Shock slowly settled into her body and she stopped her ministrations on his cheek. He loved her? She knew he was attracted to her, and she thought that was all it was, simple sexual attraction from the beginning. But love? Well, that was much different. _

_But the bigger question was how did she feel about him? She freely accepted that she was attracted to him; she had been from the very start of their unorthodox partnership and she couldn't deny it. But did her feelings for him run deeper than that? Yes, he was an immature jackass sometimes. Although he could also be extremely thoughtful, sweet, caring and he was a great father. Could she admit it to him? Would she put herself on the line like that? If he survived this would he just leave her for the next pretty young thing that crossed his path? She tried several times to open her mouth and just say it, but no words escaped. Her heart attempted to take over, to beat her mind into submission, but years of hardship had made her doubtful mind strong and it would not be beaten._

"_Uhh…well, um…" was all that came from her mouth she couldn't bring herself to say it. She wanted to say it, oh god she wanted to say tell him. But she just couldn't utter those words, not with all of the doubts screaming at her from the confines of her mind. She felt him begin to relax in her arms and his eyelids covered his once clear baby blue eyes. _

"_It's okay Kate, I get it." He whispered so softly she had to lean in to hear him. And then he relaxed completely, heartbeat stopping before she knew what was happening. He was gone, Castle was no more. As much as he tried to give off the image that nothing and nobody could hurt him Richard Castle was still inevitably mortal. And now she had solid evidence of that fact, his lifeless body lying in her arms as her vision blurred with unshed tears. Only then did her mind relent, not that it really mattered anymore for he couldn't hear her words. _

"_I love you too Rick," she pleaded, "I love you so much." And then she reached her breaking point; the tears spilled over and marred her face as she threw her body over his. Who the hell cared if she cried anyway? She was all alone and nobody would see her shatter. She brought her lips to his and sweetly kissed him hoping he would just wake up and tangle his hands in her hair, but his body refused to cooperate. She wept for what seemed like forever, and when no more tears came her body just trembled as she hugged his body tighter. Soon she felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see Ryan's eyes staring back at her. They were watery and filled with questions, but she couldn't bring herself to answer them. She just kissed Castle's cheek once, got up and slowly walked back to her car covered in his blood._

New tears soaked her face as the memory ended; he was undoubtedly gone. And yet she half-expected him to saunter through her apartment door with that trademark grin plastered on his face. But nothing ever went the way she expected it to, did it? No, life just couldn't give her a break. Just when she had finally found something that made her happy, something she hadn't been since her mother's death years ago, it had to swoop in and take that away too. She took the pillow that was sitting next to her on the soft couch and threw it at the wall. The pillow made contact with a picture frame and it crashed onto her floor, the first sound that could be heard from her apartment other than her sobs since she got home. She rushed over to clean up the glass and saw that trademark grin of his on the photo paper. It was the picture of them Alexis had snapped when she was into photography, the young teen had said candid photos were the best and took the camera everywhere.

This particular photo had been a favorite of hers and she had secretly framed it and put it on her living room wall. The photo showed Beckett and Castle walking through the streets of the city, Castle was grinning at her like a child while she rolled her eyes at him. It was obvious they had been in the middle of their tradition of playful banter; quick-witted verbal sparring that made their relationship what it was. She traced the lines of his face as she picked up the picture and carried it back with her to the couch suddenly not caring about the glass. This picture represented their whole relationship, dare she say it, their love. Yes, she loved this man. She would always love him. And she couldn't even bring herself to say it when it counted the most. Tears rolled down her face as she again remembered their last moments together, the defeat in his eyes when she hadn't said it back. He said he got it, that he understood. But he didn't understand, not one bit, and now he never would.


End file.
